BRIEF CROSSING
Thank you.
Fuck!
Shit...
Your card's torn.
So it's not valid.
When's it from?
1990.
It's just not that strong.
You need to use a plastic cover.
OK.
Is it OK?
Yes, it's OK.
Thank you.
CJMONSTERNATOR Titles
Ladies and gentlemen, Captain Shutland and his crew
welcome you aboard Pride de la Havre on route to Portsmouth.
We'll be leaving the harbour in a few minutes.
We ask children not to run on board the ship
or to not use the lifts unless accompanied by an adult.
We hope you have a pleasant crossing.
I speak French if you want to.
I just bought a packet with my friends.
For smoking.
I didn't think I'd get addicted.
All my friends smoke.
My mother also smokes with me.
She enjoys it.
She does?
Yes she does; she's smoked since the age of fourteen.
She never managed to quit.
And all my friends smoke.
As kids with uncool parents all smoke in secret.
They say their parents aren't cool.
So is your mother cool?
Yes, very cool.
My parents sometimes argue as my father thinks my mother's too soft on me.
What does your father do? He's an accountant.
He's not that cool...but he's not too bad.
He's nice.
But he's not like my mother.
She adores me.
But she went mental
when I completely messed up my GCSEs.
She wasn't happy.
Niqué? Fucked up.
Usually I wake up in the last term.
But that year I didn't wake up and so I failed.
That wasn't very clever.
Yes but, all teachers are idiots.
Not all teachers can be idiots. That doesn't make sense. Oh, they are.
To be a teacher,
you have to be an idiot.
Are you a teacher? No; I'm a photographer.
Why would you want to be a teacher?
Teaching the same crap to students who don't give a shit.
There's more to life.
It's not even paid well.
They're all absolutely dreadful.
Nobody wants to learn.
Whether they're idiots or not,
isn't it your minimum duty to go to school?
That's what my mum said.
I didn't study.
And now, I'm doing retakes.
It sucks,
but it serves me right.
How old are you?
Eighteen.
Eighteen?
Yeah.
Are you not having any? No, it stops me sleeping.
No amount of coffee stops me sleeping.
My problem's waking up; I can never do it.
Life is so boring.
Boring and neverending.
But sometimes it goes by so quickly.
Years pass by like weeks.
There's never any time for anything.
But how can you make a living if you don't do anything?
I don't do anything.
What you want to do in life?
Don't you wonder how adults pay for their cars and flats?
Or country homes?
They cost a fortune.
You don't understand where it all comes from.
But it's not through a career.
Neither is it through the qualifications at the end of school, as there's no choice.
Except for being a teacher,
or a doctor, vet or lawyer.
Isn't life difficult when you're young?
You don't know what you'll do in the future
and everyone tries to get you on a career path at an ever-younger age,
getting pushed this way and that way and ending up nowhere.
But you shouldn't worry.
It happens naturally.
With age...
What's important is being confident about the future.
They always make such a fuss about the future.
It comes naturally; it's given.
You just need to have the gift.
You just have to know when the right opportunity comes along.
I don't know why, but adults clip your wings.
And sometimes it's possible to catch up on your life when you're older.
As people try to fill your head with fears
about security, employment and...
and sensible things.
Isn't modern life horrible?
No.
I just think that you have to think hard about what you're going to do.
Get a well-paid job in an uncrowded profession,
no point doing sociology or law,
as there's too high a risk of getting fired.
What matters these days is people's looks...yes it is.
Are you saying that women over 30 don't worry?
That depends. They do.
Even men worry about being too old.
No, my plan's plastic surgery.
All the fogies want it,
to get their faces done,
even though they say they disapprove.
I dunno, when I need it...I may do-
Everyone wants a facelift at one point.
And then I'll be your surgeon.
Thomas Seigner.
I'll take ten years off you, but I'll take your life savings.
I'm joking. But there's lots of money to be made, as there's no cost limit.
£4,000 per person.
Two or three minor operations a week.
I'll be fine.
But staying in education for ages is just not for me.
That's because you're very young.
Thirty's not too old and will come very soon.
Do you want another coffee?
No.
Yeah, you're right. There's plenty of bars.
You want to hang around the bars?
Dunno,
we're on a ship for the night,
so it would be a shame to go to bed early
without doing anything romantic.
Can you do something for me?
Something that men hate doing.
What do men hate doing?
Everything, but shopping most of all.
Le shopping.
I thought I'd lost it.
Now's not the time to lose it!
It must turn people into alcoholics!
Give me some help! These wines are French.
I can't; I only drink coke.
They try to get us to buy cheap wine.
You can buy two bottles of wine, for the cost of a bottle of whisky.
Mouton Cadet. This is nice. Alright then.
And for me, champagne.
Bubbly and tasteless. Perfect!
It's twice the price in England.
You don't give a damn. You're not interested.
Do you like German chocolates?
It's a speciality.
No thanks.
You don't get marmalade in France.
You really don't need to explain yourself to anyone.
You must think I'm a loser.
No, sixteen's not far from eighteen.
No, you must think I'm grotesque.
It's not even worth me talking.
I feel like I'm going to ruin your evening.
No.
No, look, there's just teenagers.
It's not unusual.
Well...
No...
Look just behind me.
That's even worse.
Did I say something silly?
Unforgiveable.
I don't think they're young.
They're just conforming.
It's all just for show,
even the girlfriend.
It's nothing serious.
The way they act is just part of peer pressure.
Did you hear their conversation? It's pathetic.
I'm getting some brandy.
You didn't have to!
Don't, or I'll get angry.
The next round's on me.
After this, I'll be a lot better.
Do you think I'm crazy as I drink?
When you're young, you want to be old. But when you're old, you want to forget.
You'll want to erase what's happened.
You're not old. Yes I am, that's why I'm drinking.
You're not that old.
Two neat brandies are pretty good!
You'd be on the floor by now.
I'd have to carry you to bed.
Whilst I can drink a lot more,
a lot more without it showing.
That's the privilege of age.
You're not that old.
'Not that old', meaning not that young.
Because disappointment is inevitable.
Not always. Yes, it always is.
But what's better?
That magic moment doesn't last long.
It's only when they want to seduce us.
Whilst we cluelessly lie in the green grass. It's miraculous.
And then you end up like an old cow in a barn chewing on old dry hay.
It's all over.
You're in a relationship; you're screwed.
You're being too harsh.
OK, women are at fault as well.
We know that you men are as bad as each other and that we shouldn't get caught.
We're too romantic and can't help but believe.
We don't want to admit that it's over after the first shag.
They're no longer interested.
Aren't men just like that?
Aren't you all like that?
You're right; it's your strength.
Relationships are abhorrent.
But they say that it's better to keep what you've got than to be alone.
So,
is it better for a woman to be married than single?
I don't know.
I'm single. I made an error.
My husband was faultless. I don't think he even cheated.
That made it worse.
When did he lose interest in me?
I was like a piece of furniture, like a chair that could be sat on.
Is it normal to treat someone like that?
How can we bear that?
Do you think I should've stayed?
I know I should've stayed.
But it was torture; I was suffocating.
Imagine your loved one's eyes lighting up,
only when they see someone else.
And when they look at you, they don't see you,
and their eyes become opaque, ugly and hard.
So they can ignore us.
We're just ball and chains.
Men don't want to live with us. They really don't!
It's not fair.
But they belong to us, once they've made us like this.
And they never expect us to leave.
I must've surprised the bastard.
He won't be happy. It'll take him a while to get over it.
It was me who left!
But I'm just not able to leave. It's not in my nature.
I left my husband yesterday.
I should've done it before.
Imagine wasting eight years of your life
with someone who can't look at you after three months.
What can we hope for?
Why do we do it?
We don't even have children.
He always took precautions.
Firstly, if a man loves a woman then he doesn't take these precautions.
It means it's quite sordid, isn't it?
I'm telling you all this, but it's not your problem.
You're young. Maybe things will be more pleasant for you.
Things need to change. They'd better.
Do you want another coke?
No, I'm fine.
I need a real drink for my first night as single.
No, no, it's on me.
Take this. No, it's fine!
We're on the sea, and above the law.
That's true.
To what? Your studies?
No, to your love life.
Nothing to boast about. But he didn't deserve you.
Who?
Well, your husband.
He must've been an arsehole.
It's not that simple.
Maybe they're simple and we're complicated.
Oh fuck, not some silly magic show...
But that's never enough.
To prove that you don't exist and take up too much room, they make you disappear.
He puts swords through your body like that.
It's a parable.
It's truth.
Nothing's more true than a parable.
He bows and we all applaud.
He's as proud as a peacock.
What a bastard! Men really are cleverer than us!
He doesn't care that his assistant has to suffocate in that box.
That she has to do the dirty work.
The man stays whole. He's magnificent.
Life only mutilates women as they're more generous than men.
And contrary to belief, they age better.
You want to be a plastic surgeon, but women never get bald
or full of themselves at 40, do they?
What preserves you is youth.
You're still safe.
Watch out though, it might not last.
Although your hair is nice and thick.
It's nice.
It's a good feature.
But watch out, you could lose your hair at 25 and that's not far away.
No hair,
just a pink bottom instead.
That changes everything.
But you have a round skull,
so it would be more bearable.
Yeah, but that would scare me.
Don't worry. You can lose your hair and still be a great person.
But you must escape from the male condition.
From all their deformities and arrogance.
You must exist. Men don't exist.
Because they can't reproduce.
And that's their problem.
So,
they like to invent ways of bringing down women.
and make themselves feel powerful.
Bureaucracy is a man's job.
You'll notice that it doesn't lead to anything.
To no riches.
Just ridiculous little forms of power.
Like premature ejaculation.
A little pot-belly,
a feeble grin,
pathetic.
And you think all men are like that?
All those we come across, yes.
Well all the ones I've met.
When you look at it, they're all the same.
Only the unknown ones are interesting.
I think you've chosen the men badly that you've...
You've what?
Nothing.
Come and dance.
It's not my style.
You can't leave me now.
I fall in love.
It messes me up.
It's obviously because they're men.
Are there really no nice men?
Maybe the young ones,
who are still romantic like girls.
With lips like ripe fruit.
I'll have to get used to it though.
Usually I prefer tough, manly beasts.
Well I pretend that I do.
But I always choose the opposite.
I'm not really into boys who could be my sons!
Why not?
I know, it's silly.
I should let myself go.
It wouldn't even count.
I can't fall in love with someone who can't hurt me.
It would be exquisite, but I'm a masochist.
Don't you like kind men?
Not usually. I like those who make me suffer.
I like to have a struggle.
I don't understand.
I love tenderness.
Holding someone in your arms is lovely.
Hugs are horrible. They're pointless.
They're just not exciting.
It's better to be all by yourself than with the wrong person.
Don't you ever think it's nice to be with someone?
Yes, but sometimes I'm wrong.
You're a harsh lady.
I thought you were sweet.
When I saw you, I thought you were sweet.
I wanted to get to know you and hold you in my arms.
Proof that women can fool men as well.
You're harsh.
You mock me, as I love you.
One day, I'll be older.
And you'll be really old.
And you'll be sorry, as you'll be alone.
I'm sorry.
It's OK.
I've always been scared of water.
That when it's dark and I'm drawn to it, I might fall in.
When I was young, I used to watch the goldfish in the park
and I always fell in.
Careful. I won't stop you.
What do you mean?
I won't have a chance and I'm not dying for nothing.
How dare you?
It's true.
The water's minus ten degrees.
It's dark.
You wouldn't last ten minutes.
I can be chivalrous, but not an idiot.
It's OK.
I'm not asking for a survival course.
I'm asking you to be romantic.
I would sleep with you.
How romantic.
Do you think you can just say that and it would work?
Sorry for being crude, but,
with you,
I don't know how to act.
Women liked crudeness,
contrary to popular belief.
We don't like subtlety.
What are you looking at?
Nothing.
I'm waiting.
You need to learn
that men make the first move.
It's not up to women to help them.
But it's exciting to disconcert them
and then see how they react to the attack.
Shall we go?
Do you have a room?
This is that dreaded moment,
where we get down to business
and we can go to my cabin.
It's quiet, so we won't be disturbed.
But there's always the risk of getting interrupted
and we won't be able to start again.
Don't you think we should stop here?
With good memories?
No.
No?
No...
This is great. You have a porthole.
Yes, there's a porthole.
It's stupid that even luxury cabins don't have double beds.
Maybe it's not a good idea to be here.
Don't say that.
I know I'm dreadful. I don't make things easy.
I feel shy.
It's incredible, even at my age.
I don't think I can cheat on my husband.
But it's over.
Have you ever been in love?
Yes.
But I've never had sex.
I can never go all the way.
Something stops me.
When did you split up?
Three months ago.
But we were together for eight years.
Aren't you bothered?
What?
For three months.
You think he's already cheated?
Maybe.
The bastard.
You're all bastards.
You only think of sex.
You just use words to seduce us.
And we women are so stupid that we just fall for it.
You're all bastards
who see us as pieces of flesh.
I fantasised about your breasts.
I love breasts.
Gently!
Don't go fast like all the others.
Gently!
Remember what I told you.
A girl always prefers going slow.
It's best to feel it gently inside.
I like your soft skin.
You're soft all over.
You're just like a child.
You're just so young.
You look like you're sixteen.
Really? Yeah.
It's incredible how young you look.
But I have funny feet.
Doesn't matter.
You still look young.
Maybe because I feel young.
Stay!
I'm too hot.
Do you want one? No.
So do you have many girlfriends?
Well things are different these days.
Things can't have changed that much.
Well we don't have steady girlfriends.
Just no big drama.
How do you have no drama?
We just don't.
Dear God, so how do you love each other then?
I won't confuse you.
It's a lot more easy going now.
If your girlfriend's not about,
then you can go out with another.
But then you can just go out with your girlfriend again.
Go out? What interesting vocabulary.
Can you turn that off? It's horrid.
If I don't turn it off, you'll go back to sleep.
I want to say hello again!
With you, it's all or nothing!
You either wake up happy, or go straight back to sleep.
You lot are all the same!
It's bestial.
I don't like it when you say things like 'you lot'.
It's nice when you're sweet.
I'm not sweet.
I know I'm sweet. You only like nasty men.
That's not true. Yes, it is.
We haven't got long. You're too slow!
'You men' are all so slow.
Stop saying 'you men'. It makes me feel strange.
Hurry up. Don't be like the others.
I'm not one of the others.
That's true. You're much more charming.
I'd like us to have a photo together.
No way.
Closer together.
Smile, please.
Great.
Thank you.
Good, isn't it?
Will you write something nice?
I'll pay.
Ladies and gentlemen, Captian Shutland informs us that we will shortly be arriving in Portsmouth.
We will be arriving in forty minutes.
At 5:30 English time and 6:30 French time.
You look hungry.
We're almost there.
We've got time.
Can't you wait for us to leave?
Ladies and gentlemen, passengers with vehicles-
Don't pay any attention.
We thank you for having travelled with us.
and hope you've had a pleasant voyage.
Leave it.
You ought to go and look for your suitcase. You must have one.
Hurry up. Stop dawdling.
You're not making things easy.
Promise me.
CJMONSTERNATOR Titles